“The sole purpose of a crown is to make anyone not wearing one feel like an insignificant pauper. They’re obscene to the point of satire. If Donald Trump walked through Manhattan wearing a top hat made of banknotes, we’d call him a crass, tasteless idiot. Yet each year, at the state opening of parliament, the Queen rocks up wearing the Imperial State Crown - a hideous ornamental nest containing almost 3,000 diamonds, 277 pearls, 17 sapphires, 11 emeralds and four rare rubies. Or five rare rubies, depending on which bit of the internet you ask, because it’s encrusted with so many wildly expensive jewels, no one seems entirely sure quite how many there actually are.
One thing’s for certain - the Queen could, if she so chose, open parliament by whipping off the crown and saying: “You know what? This is absolutely taking the piss, isn’t it? This hat’s got to be worth at least nine hospitals. And I don’t even need it: there’s loads more of these things back at the Tower. Tell you what, let’s flog this one to a Russian oligarch and use the money for saving lives or researching sustainable energy sources or something.”
She could do that. She’s the Queen. But no. She’d rather sit there balancing a pile of unimaginable riches on her head while we scrabble for beans in the dirt.
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