This is sort of the demo version of my new TV column, coming soon to an actual proper publication. Hope you like it. Do comment if you feel like it… 

I’m A Celebrity: the Gillian McKeith paradox 

Scientists (and by that I mean me in a white coat) are baffled by a new scientific phenomenon – the Gillian McKeith paradox. Since the raisin-faced Scottish ‘dietician’ and owner of mail-order doctorates entered the jungle, I’ve been torn between a desire to have her removed faster than an unsightly mole and a Dr Strangelove-style involuntary spasm to grab the phone and vote for her to stay. 

McKeith has a phobia of just about everything in the jungle and what also appears to be serious cases of ShaunRyderphobia and AntAndDecitis. She flaps constantly at invisible bugs and approaches bushtucker trials with all the enthusiasm of Simon Cowell trapped in a room with Wagner for a dirty bunk up in Bognor. 

The most baffling thing about Gillian McKeith on I’m A Celebrity is her claim that she has never watched the show. That suggests that she either has an agent just as sadistic as the British public as a whole, is in fact an utter gallumphing idiot or is the most Machiavellian reality TV contestant since Machiavelli himself starred in Who Wants To Be An Italian Bastard?  

Every time McKeith swan dives into a faint during a Bushtucker Trial, I have a sneaky suspicion she’s putting it on. How cynical of me you might say. But I’ll be vindicated when she releases her next book: Stop Being A Fatty By Fainting And Crying On ITV.

Misfits: why the super-powered Skins wins 

Misfits is the greatest bit of British TV in the past 10 years. You will not sway me from this belief. I am a Misfits fundamentalist. In Misfits, writer Howard Overman, has done what Heroes failed to do – created a show with super-powered protagonists and that viewers can actually relate to. He understands the Stan Lee theory of heroism – super-powered characters need to be flawed. We love Spiderman most when Peter Parker’s personal life is in a right state, just as Misfits are appealing because they use their powers as we would i.e. right bloody selfishly rather than trying to clear the streets of crime or save the universe. 

Katie Waissel: stop the bullying 

Katie Waissel had a haircut this week, metamorphosing from the Morisson’s Madonna to the Matalan Mia Farrow. It was a canny move making the haircut as much of a star as Cher’s eyebrows. But she also did something else she hasn’t done since the auditions – she actually sang her song well. 

Not that Twitter wanted to know. Having turned Waissel into a the singing muppet everyone loves to mock, it wasn’t much interested in changing its opinions. I’ve made gags about her since week one (and continue to – she is ridiculous) but if X-Factor is a singing contest – and that’s dubious – Waissel deserved to stay. It wasn’t her fault that she and Paije ended up in the bottom two rather than Wagner, the public has to answer for that.