Recovered from a bin in Wapping, the original draft of Alex James’ fast food article…

GREGGS

Boss man Ken McMeikan has invited me to see Gregg’s brand new £16.4million super-bakery in Gosforth. Well, I say Ken, I mean the nice PR girl that The Sun emailed. She suggested it’d be a jolly jape for me to come and have a butchers (see, a pun!). She assured me that I’d definitely wouldn’t have to eat any of their sausage rolls. 

There are ten Greggs super bakeries around the UK pumping out grease like the hilarious fat guy in that video I did with my really successful band Fat Les. There’s only one Greggs sausage roll factory though and I got to visit it! I am so privileged. This is much better than being a pop star. I never got to stare at grease traps in the 90s. I was barely living. 

I liked Ken. He was paid to be nice to me and clearly loves his work. He was in the Royal Navy and says: “Being in the services really taught me some efficient ways of killing people but a well-targeted pasty shits on a Tomahawk missile.” 

This is much better than being a pop star. I never got to stare at grease traps in the 90s.

I’ve met Bono and stuff but that’s just really boring. At Greggs, they have the actual guy who invented the best-selling Jaffa Cake doughnut. He’s like a living god. I mean, I make cheese (I don’t like to mention it) but a Jaffa Cake doughnut? That’s next level. 

There’s a lot of love in the UK for Greggs, it says here. With 1,571 shops they have more branches than McDonald’s! Imagine that. They’re based in Newcastle so it’s all nice and safe and regional. Because Geordies are really cannie like. I’ve said that right haven’t I? [Subs to check]. 

Visiting Greggs got me thinking: in the age of the internet, hot food businesses are thriving, yeah? Because, you know, you can’t download a pasty! Or cheese. I tried that. It gets stuck in the printer. It’s a non-starter, the downloadable cheese market. 

Big business can be really bad and stuff. I’ve read No Logo. But they’re not all bad. Greggs are really nice. They gave me some delicious cakes. The little bakery in my local village sells stuff but it’s massively over-priced. And don’t start bleating on about that economies of scale stuff. 

Visiting the factory was Willy Wonka great – officially the best food factory I’ve ever been to and I once saw how they make Wotsits, so believe me I know my stuff. I’ve even been to a Gordon Ramsay restaurant and had a £50 tasting menu. Believe me readers, a spread of the finest Greggs bakes destroys that. Obliterates it. 

Be reassured in your belief that a good honest Greggs pasty is a fine lunch. I wish Greggs lived in my house and fed me via some kind of hatch and funnel system. 

MCDONALD’S

My day with McDonald’s was absolutely brilliant! I literally have never had so much fun. The Groucho is dead to me. From now on I want to hang out next to some deep fat fryers with a sullen teenager in a hairnet. 

I planned to look at the whole supply chain. Like when we showed that video on the Leisure tour with the cow being slaughtered and stuff. Only, you know, more upbeat because McDonald’s is brilliant. 

We went to Scunthorpe! Who knew that was a real place? And found this factory with loads of lorries sticking out of it. It’s the home of OSI Food Solutions. They make three million burgers a day for McDonald’s! Imagine. It’s like visiting the dream factory if your dreams involve cattle screaming. 

The overwhelming thing is the stench. But don’t think I’m using “stench” like you would to describe say the smell of Liam Gallagher’s parka hood. No! This is a really lovely stench. You know how the docks smell of fish? Well this is like a beefy dock. That is in no way a horrific euphemism. 

They machines slam together big rocks of fresh and frozen beef. It’s like magic! Poof! There’s a quarter pounder. Brilliant! Like how do they manage it? It’s just genius. The equipment is well good too. There’s a massive grill like a George Foreman for giants and they let me play with it! 

My wife is obsessed with facts and stuff. 

Next we went to a farm where there was a farmer and some cows and stuff. That wasn’t as interesting so we went to McDonald’s in Leicester’s Fosse Shopping Park. I got to go backstage! Imagine. I mean Glastonbury is good and all but this is McDonald’s we’re talking about. 

McDonald’s served 90million more people in 2011 than they did in 2010. I don’t think there’s anything sinister about that. I asked some guy at the British Nutrition Foundation what their beef (hahaha) with McDonald’s is and he said some stuff about it being unsatisfying and lacking in fibre and only being suitable to eat occasionally. They couldn’t tell me what “occasionally” meant and I’m not going to look it up. 

A day with McDonald’s didn’t put me off eating there at all. They definitely didn’t just show me what they wanted me to see. And I, as a hard-hitting, fact-finding cheese maker cannot be stopped in my pursuit of the truth. A McDonald’s cheeseburger costs 99p! 99p! You literally cannot argue with that and I’m not going to try. 

KFC 

I went backstage at KFC too! Please try not to be too jealous. My verdict? Better than the headlining the Reading Festival. My wife says the kids shouldn’t eat KFC because she thinks it’s unhealthy. She’s obsessed with facts and stuff. I’m going to make Kentucky Fried grouse at home this weekend. Ha! Imagine. Brilliant! 

Read the real finished article here. The writing above is a parody just in case you’re currently hitting the lawyer’s speed dial.