I don’t know much about economics but I may have a solution to the euro crisis. Ditch the ailing currency and replace it with one that’s already heavily in use wherever desperate writers congregate – exposure. I get so many offers of exposure in return for writing that I am already a paper exposure millionaire. 

Please advise how much exposure I need to rack up before I can exchange it for a loaf of bread, iPad or hilarious Christmas sweater featuring an inebriated snowman. I am slightly concerned though that exposure may become subject to hyper-inflation. I don’t want to have to load it up in a wheelbarrow like an old lady toddling to the shops in the Weimar Republic just to purchase a potato. 

Exposure is the delicious prize dangled in front of the hordes of younger writers who swarm ahead of me like zombies with better trainers and a more thorough knowledge of rappers with unpronounceable names.

On the promise of exposure, the eager young things will pen 10,000 words on cool t-shirts that cool people are wearing in cool places before I have even crawled out of bed and emitted my now traditional howl of terror at the confusing nature of modernity and the shocking state of my teeth. 

Exposure is like those tantalising coupons printed on cereal packets. Collect enough and you’re promised a prize but inspect the small print and you’ll find the actual cash value is equivalent to £0.0001 and redeemable only at an anonymous looking depot somewhere in East Cheem. 

Inspect the terms and conditions of websites offering the glory of exposure and you’ll find that oddly, they still use your work to get boring old traditional currency. Servers that can be paid for with exposure are still sadly a pipe dream.

In return for exposure, they’ll own what you write and the chance to sell it on in whatever form they fancy. But no need to feel bitter, you’ll still have that glorious exposure which you can shovel into the boiler to keep you warm and fry in thin strips to keep you fed. Exposure is just so damn versatile. 

Previously on Reduced To Clear: Best Laid Plans