The security guards…
This is a scene from a script I wrote a few years back that I just stumbled upon again:
Two security guards sit in a booth at night.
– Tell me a joke.
– Go on. Tell me a joke.
– No. I won’t. I don’t want to.
– Go on. Go. On.
– What’s your obsession with people telling you a joke?
– It’s fun. Tells you a lot about people.
– You know me.
– But do I?
– Are you bored?
– You’re always bored. [beat] My mother used to say/
– /not this shit again
– …that the only bored people are boring.
– Now that is boring.
– You’re saying my mother’s boring.
– Your mother’s dead.
– She is. So have some fucking respect.
– You’re trying to have a fight because you’re bored.
– Fuck you.
– That’s a sad indictment of you.
– ‘Indictment’. You and your crossword vocabulary.
– It is. It’s a sad indictment. You’ve been doing this for years. You should be used to it.
– You’re used to it, are you?
– I am. I like it. Night shifts are fine. No boss to give you shit.
– I’m technically your boss.
– What do you mean “ha”?
– I mean…ha.
– I am. I’m a Security Operative Grade 3.
– “Operative”. Fuck’s sake.
– That’s what our contracts say.
– Our contracts! You read the contract. You must be bored.
– I am. I already said. I’m not snobby about what I’ll read. I’ll read the cereal packet backs.
– Yes. I can tell.
– So tell me a joke.
– We’re going round in circles here.
– Alright, I’ll tell you a joke.
– If you must.
– A boy sees his father drinking a beer and asks him: ‘Can I have a beer?’ and his dad says: “Can you touch your arsehole with your dick?”/
– Boy, some father…
– /and the boy says: “No.” So his dad says: “Well, you can’t have a beer then.”
– Yeah. So…
– The next day, the father is smoking a cigar and the boy asks if he can have one. His dad says again: ‘Can you touch your arsehole with your dick?” “No”, says the boy. “Well, no cigar for you,” says the father.
– Someone should call social services.
– It’s a joke. Fuck’s sake. Let me finish.
– Fine. Go on.
– So on the third day, the son is eating some ice cream and his father says: “Can I have a spoonful?” And the boy says: “Can you touch your arsehole with your dick?” The father says: “Yes”. “Well then, go fuck yourself”, says the boy. Ahahaha.
– Seems to me that they’ve got a very dysfunctional relationship.
– You don’t think it’s funny.
– It’s not the worst.
– ‘It’s not the worst.’ You’ve no sense of humour.
– I do. It’s just not fired up by swearing.
– So what do you like then?
– Irony. I like irony. And sarcasm.